September 28th, 2004

Security: Subject: In response to Nicki's journal Time: 09:00 am Current Mood: cold

This is something I have wanted to say for a while and so I am going to get it out once and for all... I have a lot to say, so I'll just get right down to it and get everything off my chest. First off, you assume way to much Nicki. We went through a lot this summer and after all that you've treated me like crap the past few months especially. What right do you have to go and ask outright what the nature of J.R. and I's relationship was after he and Leala broke up when you have known nothing about my life for a while? Then what right do you have to assume that we are together or that he is pushing me away from you? Don't be so arrogant. I gave you an answer to your question about J.R. and I, even though I feel I had no obligation to say anything at all. I said that he and I were simply freinds. However, instead of taking my honest answer, you were a bitch. You acted put out simply because you apparently had some preconcieved notion about a part of my life you currently knew nothing about and assumed I was lying to you. Then you proceded to tell me that things were not right between us and that you had been told by "someone" that J.R. was pushing me away from you. I am not stupid and you might as well have said who gave you this supposed "fact." You then said things were not right between us and that you would give me my space until I could sort things out with J.R. What gave you the right to stick you fat ass into that anyways? Undoubtedly you assumed J.R. broke up with Leala for me, and just so you know, let me point out that he and I were just friends and that he has since dated another girl at state. Also, if I remember correctly, I was the one who told them to go for it when they started dating and that was even with the fact that I was in love with J.R. You, on the other hand, did everything you could to convince them not to be happy. What kind of freind does that make you? Relationships don't always work out so stop trying to find someone else to blame for it and create more drama for yourself. Also, while we are on the subject, of being truthful and supposedly loyal to friends, I believe you said you'd tell me anything. Well you never told me about having sex with J.R. last spring while we were in between dating. That I found out all on my own over the summer. So much for your own crap about having "every ounce of loyalty in you." And one more thing...I believe you said something in your rant about "still crawling back on your knees," which is "sickening, and incredibly disheartening to those of us who love you and want what's best for you." Doesn't seem like you really cared a ton about my feelings and yet again you are incredibly misinformed to assume I did any "crawling" to anyone. Rather, if I remember right, you did some crawling and groveling yourself this past spring trying to get Bryan to come back to you after he was a complete ass to you for no reason. I remember going to his dorm room for you to give him a present and try to persuade him to talk to you. I also spent countless nights consoling you and sleeping on your dorm room floor when I could have been taking much better care of myself. For all that I get assumptions and lies from you. J.R. came back to me as a freind because he cared about me. I don't see anything like that happening for you. How dare you tell me I will end up alone when I clearly have plenty of my own friends who don't treat me like shit. Stop being a stuck up bitch and start worrying about holding on to your own friends. You seem to be the one having them rapidly desert you.

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September 20th, 2004

Security: Time: 11:40 am Current Mood: hopeful

It's a gorgeous fall day, crisp and cool. The leaves are changing colors and the sky is so clear and blue with just a few patches of fluffy white clouds. The mountians really are gorgeous this time of the year. And I love the breeze and how it's cool enough not to sweat, but not cold enough to freeze if you go out in sandals. If it's true that people are who they are from the moments they live through and the things that stick with them, then this moment today, the way everything feels, is one of those moments I want to take with me. Let the calm and the peace be part of who I am. I know this all sounds ridiculously silly, so I'll stop here. As for the rest of my day, I unfortunately rather screwed up another english quiz today and so I plan on curling up and becoming a recluse for most of the rest of the day to read all of Frankenstein and my english reading for this week so that I will be in great shape for any other quizzes this week. My educational psychology class was also cancelled for today due to test postponement from Ivan and, though it's almost impossible to believe, Watagua county schools are cancelled for the day so there is to be no tutoring today as far as I know. It's too bad because I was rather looking forward to tutoring. Anyways, this means I have one class left and it's health and fitness, so it should just be one more fairly boring 45 minutes of class time and then I think I am out to read somewhere and just enjoy the incredible weather. On one last note, I had a good weekend going home with Jessica. She's from Atlanta and we drove around downtown so I got to see big buildings, I met a bunch of her friends, and we just hung out. All in all it was a good time and her parents were very nice. I think that's about it.

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September 17th, 2004

Security: Subject: Holy Shit! Time: 07:38 am Current Mood: ecstatic

OMG, this never ever ever happens in Boone. Ivan the terrible, who is an asshole, has come through and cancelled classes for us. Maybe Ivan needs to come around more often! The only problem is that now I need to figure out my weekend plans and if it is safe to go to Atlanta with Jessica anymore. My cold feels a bit better too!!

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September 14th, 2004

Current Music: "So Yesturday" Hilary Duff Security: Time: 08:53 am Current Mood: blah

I'm sick and I'm tired. I've got two classes today and I'd prefer to just stay here and sleep through both, but it's so boring staying holed up in the room by yourself all day. I just had the craziest, most strange, and most ironic dream ever right now. It wasn't one of those ones where you lay in bed and wonder if it was real or not. It was one that just shocked me. I talked to Megan last night which was awesome because we hadn't talked in so long. She had a lot of studying to do so she couldn't talk long, but she said to give her a call in the next few days. In other new, I did about the hardest workout I've ever done by myself last night. Shouldn't I be feeling sore right now? My whole body sort of aches, if that counts. I think I should definetely go out for another run tonight because I need to get my endurance back up. I'm not sure I can do all that by myself again though. Well, I think that's all just because I have to get ready for class and not much else has happened.

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September 13th, 2004

Current Music: "I'll be" Edwin Mccain Security: Subject: Finished Time: 03:09 am Current Mood: exhausted

I'm done writing journal entries in here when I'm upset over something. This is a final decision and everyone damn well better hold me to it. I'm so tired right now, it's not even funny. So tired. And I'm such a baby, sitting here continuing to attempt to study while my thoughts wander. Listening to love songs as 3:20 on a Monday morning and crying my eyes out....and I can't even stick a reason on why. I'm not sad, or depressed, or angry, or overwhelmingly happy. I think I am just so tired I don't know what else to do with myself and so confused.

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September 10th, 2004

Current Music: "Everything to me" Brooke Hogan Security: Subject: Crazy busy week Time: 03:46 pm Current Mood: relieved

I know I haven't updated the last few days, but I've been really busy. It's so sad that I've been so stressed out because all I really have are a few Teaching Fellows activities and my classes. I'm taking 18 hours, but it shouldn't be this stressful. I procrastinated some during the first two weeks and I think that's where the trouble started. Thankfully I am done for the week though. I haven't gotten the most wonderful quiz and homework grades of late, so I really plan on studying my butt off from now on to make up for it. Along with classes, I had a list of 30 other things to get done this week and, while I didn't get through all of them, I did get most of it done. I got a meningitis shot today that my mother had been bugging me about and sent off some emails and looked into some Teaching Fellows information about transfering. I still haven't called the NCSU TF office yet, but I've gotten most of the rest of it done. With all this to do, I admitedly haven't been getting more than three or four hours of sleep this week and I can feel it because it's gotten increasingly hard to concentrate on anything and I have been getting a headache off and on. Last night I was exhausted, but somehow it took me an hour to fall asleep. Don't ask me why because it confuses me too. J.R. has been great this week though and so has Heather. They have been wondeful to talk to. On Wednesday Heather and I wore our goggles to class because of all the rain. We got about a foot total here, so we all spent about two and a half days completely soaked from walking between classes. There was a lot of flooding in Boone too and my health class Wednesday was cancelled because my professor couldn't get in to work. Anways, I am very glad that today is Friday. Heather and I went to a skydiving club meeting on Wednesday and she is going skydiving in Georgia this weekend with a friend and one of the guys from the club. I really want to go, but I don't have the money so I am stuck here by myself. It's just as well because I have plenty of work I need to get done. Tonight I am baking cookies and going over to Emily, Hilary, Chelsea, and Meegan's apartment to hang out, so that should be fun.

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September 8th, 2004

Current Music: "Tangled up in me" Skye Sweetnam Security: Subject: Ahhhh!!!!! Time: 09:00 am Current Mood: stressed

I have just enough time to update this with a few short statements, or comments, or whatever you want to call them: FINE (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional) is how I am feeling right now on another lovely "I think I am going crazy cluster fuck filled day of 'lovely fucking bunches of coconuts.'" On the upside the list of inside jokes Heather and I wrote while we were bored out of our minds in physics a few minutes ago was quite amusing and so was wearing our goggles to class, even though I think we were the only ones who found it amusing. Advice for the day, boys and girls, is wear your bathing suit out there because you are going to end up soaked anyways, especially here in Boone where we have power outages, massive flooding over many roads, ankle deep water to wade through to get to class, and of course the continuous downpour like in many other areas. So now I am off to english to pray that I don't have a quiz because I didn't get a chance to do the reading, then to educational psychology, the only class I have all my homework done for, then sloshing all the way across campus for health and fitness for a blood pressure, and then to my tutoring lab for our last workshop before we head out to our school assignments. Somewhere in there are a bunch of errands like sorting out elementary ed service hours, signing up for the praxis, and countless other things (the list is 30 things long and I can't manage to remember half of them). Then back here to read and study like crazy so that I will not be terribly far behind in everything. I need to never procrastinate again so things don't pile up on me like this. And this time I not taking a break to take a nap because then I'll never get up to finish my work. So yeah, I'm typing like mad to finish this but I figured writing this entry might help calm me down. Someone come make me smile :(

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September 5th, 2004

Current Music: "Save it for Later" Splendor Security: Subject: Labor Day Weekend Time: 03:10 pm Current Mood: cheerful

Well, it's Sunday and I am home for the weekend, which is wonderful. Originally I had planned on talking to my parents about the transfer this weekend, but I haven't been able to get all the information I need from NCSU yet, so I think I am going to wait. I know that if I don't have all the facts when I talk to them, then it will not go over well at all. I left school at noon on Friday with Lindsay and Laura and I ended up getting home around 3:30. As soon as I got home I headed over to NCSU to hang out with J.R. for a bit and bring him home for the weekend. Last week was a bit stressful for some reason and I had really missed him, so it was wonderful to see him right away. We tried to go to the Teaching Fellows office at State, but they were closed by 4....I guess because of the holiday weekend. Instead we went over to Meredith and walked around campus. They have such a gorgeous campus and it's really small. We went into the Education office and got information about the program and required classes and majors, all that good stuff. Then we went back over to State for a bit and he packed and we headed home. Friday night we went out with Katelyn to Gypsy's and then over to State again to play Halo and hang out. Despite my terrible driving (I mean it was really bad, I guess because I was just too tired and easily distracted with both of them in the car), it was a good night and really good to see Katelyn again. Oh yeah, and my new nike watch came Friday! It's pink and red and has "Allie" inscribed on the crystal. I like it a lot and I can actually get lap times now, even though I am not doing many track workouts these days. Saturday I slept until 1pm when my parents came in my room and woke me up. They always send George in and he inevitably tries to lick me in the face before I am awake enough to realize he's there. The day was really slow and relaxing. I sat around watching tv for a while until J.R. called me and I went to take a shower. J.R. and I hung out up at his house and played games and watched a weird movie called "Equilibrium." It's about this society where the people are forced to take this drug which prevents them from showing emotion, but some people rebel and create an underground society. It was really good. Then we played Life and Battleship. Then we came down to my house and played Mario Kart Doubledash, which I beat him at several times, despite all his bragging that he always beat me ;) After that we went to Stonewood Grill and Tavern to use a gift certificate he had won in a 5k that was about to expire. I got a really good salad and while we were there, Heather called me back. She and I are doing much better because we sorted everything out. She had a great cross country race Friday and I'm so happy for her. I can't wait to see her run at least one race this season. I miss being around her all the time after a couple days, and while I am thrilled to be home and be able to see J.R., I hate not being there for her when something big happens. Anyways, after dinner we went back to his house and played another game. It's called pathfinder and it's sort of like battleship except that you build a maze on your board and have an object in one spot on the grid that the other person has to find. Then we came back to my house for dessert and talked to my Dad a bit. J.R. is still fairly uncomfortable around them and I have come to realize that my parents will never make the effort to really seem incredibly outgoing to any of my close freinds, but at least they were talking fairly comfortably last night. Then we watched the end of this really old movie on AMC about a little girl who's family is killed by the cops and ends up befriending and living with a professional hitman. It was an amusing movie, though we can't figure out why it was considered a classic movie. Today I have just spent with my family. We went on a walk this morning and tonight we are going out to dinner at Outback and then watching the movie Hidalgo. I have to go back to school at 1 tomorrow and I plan on seeing J.R. at least one more time before I leave tomorrow, if not tonight. Also, I am very frustrated with my laptop right now. It is frustrating me to the point where I am stringly considering throwing it off the top bunk in our dorm room when I get back to school. Dad and I have to look at it tonight some more and try to sort out why it is so slow and install a new version of Mcafee and figure out why instant messenger isn't working on my laptop, but it working on the computer in our house. The other thing is that I am definetly gaining weight again in college, so I need to start being careful about what I eat and working out more. I am becoming overly concerned about losing muscle mass now that I haven't been training in so long. I am such a girl *sigh* Anyways, now that I have written about the longest journal entry in history, I think that about wraps it up.

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August 30th, 2004

Current Music: "Wish You Were Here" Incubus Security: Subject: Another Day Time: 06:24 pm Current Mood: frustrated

Well, today is Monday so it's been a busy day with all my classes and everything. I got my laptop back today, so at least that is good. Except that's it's not great because they lost my power cord. That means I won't be able to leave it on much until I got the cord back. They are having one overnighted to me so hopefully I will have it tomorrow. At least by Wednesday. They seem rather disorganized over there at tech support so I hope they don't order the wrong one because they first tried to give me one that didn't go with my laptop. Today started with the same tension in the room between Heather and I. It's so hard to bare because I hate the way she barely even looks at me now. They only things she said to me today where to hurry up when I asked her if she'd wait a sec for me to walk to physics and before that she told me about a dream she'd had. She said that she dreamed we were both transfering to Georgia Tech and then she changed her mind and I cussed her out. I'm not quite sure how to take that. She obviously doesn't like me much anymore, I'm not sure what to do or say. I just know that it hurts. Anyways, that's my day. Four more days till I get to go home for the weekend.

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August 29th, 2004

Security: Subject: Taking my mind off of life Time: 07:56 pm Current Mood: depressed

It's been an ok day. I still didn't get to talk to Heather, I haven't even seen her all day. Lindsay called me at 11:30 and asked if I wanted to go to the mall in Hickory with her, which was good to keep me occupied and it was fun to see her again. I missed swimming with Jessica though, which made me sad and worry because I hadn't realized she was going to go today. I must be stupid, she probably said she was yesturday when we went to run and I misunderstood. I got a cute shirt and a pair of underware though. And we ate got a burger at backyard burger for lunch. After that I came in here and talked to J.R. a tad. He showed me this really cool website where you can design your own fantasy character/ super hero. I've been playing around with that while I talked to him and the combination has been making me smile. When I think about what's going on with Heather and how I am caught between distancing myself from friends so I don't get hurt and having them hate me because they don't understand what I am doing, it bothers me. Oh well, in a week I get to go home for the weekend and see J.R. and my family and maybe Katelyn too. Then I know I will be happy, especially being able to be around my best friend because I miss him so much up here. I have a headache now though, so I am headed back to the room to relax and get some work done. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have my laptop back and I won't have to keep coming to the lab.

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